Panic! at the supermarket, at the train station, at home, etc.

There's a show on MTV on right now about people dealing with panic attacks. It's pretty enlightening. I've been dealing with minor to severe panic attacks for a little over a year now. Simply put, it's an awful thing. It's crippling. Basically, what happens is I walk into a situation where I would be normally anxious; crowded grocery store, the bus, Penn Station, a movie theater, restaurant, home... well honestly it can happen anywhere. So I'll begin to look around and the room will begin to spin. My heart will race, I'll start to sweat like crazy (even in the freezing cold), my face will go numb, my hands will shake, and colors will slowly start to fade. 

Until a couple of weeks ago, this would happen to me every single day. Lately, I've been working really hard on getting it under control. It's starting to work. I'm working at a place now where I'm forced to stand behind a counter all day. For some reason, it's been helping me deal with my anxiety.

The funny thing about the show is that I've been through some of the same exact situations some of these people are in: 

One guy is freaking out during dinner at a restaurant. Every time I go out to eat, I go to the bathroom at least once to put cold water on my face to calm down.

A woman is standing outside a place she wants to get an application for employment from. Why do you think it took me so long to get a job? I physically could not walk into a place and ask. I'd start to get dizzy and feel faint. It took forever just to walk into a bank and ask to open up a checking account. Although once I did, I felt great about myself.

Another woman is walking around the house hyperventilating for no reason. I would do that every single day. I'd just pace around with my hands on my head.

Everyone says that at one time they were normal then something happened (one guy said that his friend dying set it off) and they went crazy. I'm pretty sure what set it off for me. It's sounds crazy (because I am) but I think going vegan did it for me. I believe that so many people told me that it was unsafe and stupid and I was going to be malnourished and die that I actually thought that in some situations that I was dying. Sometimes I still think that way. I know it's bullshit. But sometimes my disorder gets the best of me no matter what. It's pretty scary. A good example is I walk into a store. I think for a spilt second, "What if I didn't get enough protein today?" Then just like that, it starts. I start to lose my breath, I start to shake. It's a terrible, terrible thing.

What keeps me optimistic is that I know that it's a mental thing. I'm not physically sick. As long as I continue to tell myself , "You will be OK. You are not dying", I'll be fine. It just takes a lot of work and energy. Feeling like this is extremely exhausting and lonely. No one understands or can relate. When I walk into that store, chances are that I'm the only one who feels that way. Also, it's hard for your loved ones to help you and support you when they think you're crazy and full of shit. So I have to get through this by myself. I know one day I will. It just takes a lot of patience.

I never feel that way on stage, though. It must mean that I was born to do it :-)